No matter how you try to justify it, having 3 pairs of eyes staring at you where the sun don't shine and I reckon 2 fingers inside you poking and prodding to ensure that your uterus is not injured, leaves you feeling a little less dignified. I had to endure that and right now, I think about 65% of my dignity has been thrown out into the toxic waste bin at KK Women and Children's Hospital together with the blood soaked bed lining that I was on.
As if to add insult to injury, some of the nurses, while preparing me for the D&C procedure were in disbelief while asking me,"You mean you didn't even know you were pregnant?". I was not particularly interested in explaining to everyone who asked but I did, from my irregular menses to the 30 bloody days of bleeding....
What were they thinking? Did they not think that I would have taken the necessary precautions to prevent yet another miscarriage? I mean... I do understand that you work in a gynaecologically based hospital and cases like mine are essentially your daily dealings and you are probably so damned bloody used to it, but I'M NOT.... so have some heart and sympathy why don't you? I do want a baby. I do get upset with how crappy my lower body is functioning. I have this overwhelming maternal feeling with no offspring to off load it on.
Also, with all the hormon pills I have to take, I'm extremely hormonal. I can be so weepy, so angry, so giggly all in a span of a minute! The slightest thing can just set me off, and my MBB has been getting the brunt of it. Sorry Ayang. Tomorrow morning at 4am, he'll be leaving me to go to work.... maybe it'll be good for him to get away from me for a few hours.
And then to rub salt into my wound, the medical officer on call said that "we needed to tackle the weight issue as you are, morbidly obese..." without even so much as batting an eyelid. "Morbidly obese" literally translates into "gemuk nak mampos" in Malay. How? Talk about brutal honesty. Ya lah, I know, I need to lose weight. Ok lah.... I shall work out a nutrional enhancement for myself. I shall go and check out how Kirstie Alley lost all her weight...
After the week's events, I have decided that it will not be the end of the world if I cannot have any children. In my earnest desire to have a child, I must ensure that I do not sacrifice things that I have got going for me. Especially MBB. I have to realise that he is the most important part of wanting kids. I also have to realise that my mummy is sick and she is my no. 1 priority. I have to be well for her. I have to be.
There's always adoption.
On a different note,
Have you ever seen a lizard crap? I have. Seriously. Earlier this evening, I was cleaning my bathtub. By that I mean, I was using the showerhead to wash away the grime that was supposedly absorbed by this new thing called "BANG". It works quite well I must say. Anyhow, just after I washed away all the mixture, and the tub was white and clean and shiny, from the sky ( literally ) dropped this small piece of black gunk. I looked up and saw a lizard. Upon closer inspection, I realised it was lizard crap!
I was so mad, I launched into Operation Kill Lizard! Needles to say, lizard is now dead and has been washed into my drainage pipe! Strangely, with depleted dignity, I feel a wonderful sense of bliss after killing the lizard. Natural born killer, I am?