Saturday, January 28, 2006

Liberation

Yesterday, I raised my voice at Lupy. A first. Yesterday, I made Lupy cry. Also another first. Yesterday, I told Lupy some things that makes me very angry. Yet another first.

Then I felt lousy for making her cry. So I apologised. " Lupy... Sorry I shouted at you..." But I DO NOT apologise for what I said. Although in retrospect, the issue that made me lose my cool has definitly been sidelined as now, all that is remembered is that Zak shouted at Lupy. That sucks!

I'm not one to shout at those older than I. I give them the respect simply because they are old but when their stupidity causes me grief, I just have to say something. And I have to say it LOUD. That's how I cope.

Lupy, I made you cry. Sure I did. But the apology was instantaneous. What about all the times YOU made me cry? What about all the times you hurt my feelings with your callousness and your stupidity? What about all the times that I was livid because you, Lupy are so ignorant?

You said that I am difficult to work with. Really? So for the past 10 years, who was it that did your work? I know you were estatic when a holy, young man came into our department. I know that you had hoped he would be the one to lead us. But even after it was shown over and over again that he can't, you still had high hopes and aspirations for him. That, Lupy, made me very, very sad. In fact, it made me cry. All the things I have done for you, you tak pandang sebelah mata pun.

Never mind lah. What goes around comes around.

.............................................................................

Right this very moment, MBB is at MIL's place. SANS ME. What do you know? Another First! When we got married, we had this discussion where an agreement was reached. We will always visit MIL together.Why we decided this completely escapes me now. But today he's there and I'm not. I know he was secretly hoping that I'd joined him there but I wanted to sleep in late today and after yesterday's Lupy debacle, I was really not too keen about hanging around old people.

Sigh.

On a happier note, this evening i will be going for a reunion dinner. I can't wait! Gastranomical delights, great company, interseting conversations, being with MBB.... Bliss.

To all my friends, have a long, restful weekend. To all my new year celebrating friends, GONG XI, GONG XI.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I Am Sick Too

Right now I'm resting at home, being on sick leave and all. MBB is on sick leave too, after blaming yours truly for infecting him with the flu bug. I'm in the study, MBB's in the bedroom. The bedroom that I have just finished straightening out and vaccummed by the way.

We're both sulking. Both not wanting to give in and say sorry. Both cleaning out our boxing gloves preparing to step into that ringed square. Both ready to rumble! Bring it on! Both behaving like children. But don't care lah!

I'm angry at you. I'm sick too am I not? You tell me I need to tell you so that you know exactly what you need to do. So after I tell you, why still never do? I'm not going to air my dirty laundry here. But whatever happened to shared responsibility? Whatever happened to doing it together? I know I seem to be able to cope on my own, but if you help me do, I can finish the task faster and we can rest together sooner. I AM SICK TOO!

And stop blaming me for everything the cat does. Neither she nor I can help where she pukes, I can't expect her to run to the bathroom when she wants to regurgitate her food and hairballs. She's NOT HUMAN! Even some human vomit everywhere but in the bathroom. Neither she nor I can decide where she wants to lie. Unless you cage her up. When you do, I'll report you for animal abuse. So stop blaming me. You might say you are not, but please lah, I hear it in your voice!

I am sick too. Be nice and stop biting my head off.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A Broken Resolution

Today I went to the Doc's. Remember that glob of mucous that has taken up residence at the back of my throat? Well, it's country and town cousins have set up home in my bronchioles and inflammed it. Thanx a million!

My nose, while very indecisive yesterday, today has decided that it was going to be stuffy. I ache all over. My head throbs and my upper lip is numb and cracked from all that nose blowing. Sigh... After my visit, I got yuckky anti biotics to be taken 4 times daily. I hate that.

I was given 2 days of sick leave.With that, one of my 2006 resolution has been broken. I had resolved to not take any mc this year.

Back to the drawing board....

What Being Born in February Means...

Your Birth Month is February

Peaceful and harmonious, you seek the gentle side of life.
Your warmth and consideration touches many.

Your soul reflects: Purity, modesty, and faithfulness

Your gemstone: Amethyst

Your flower: Iris

Your colors: Purple, yellow, and light blue

Monday, January 23, 2006

The Plus Side of Plus

The plus point of being plus sized is that no one realises that you can ever be sad. How on earth can that rotund, jolly person be, God Forbid!, upset? Simply by nature of size, the expectation is that he's a jolly good fellow.... they even wrote a song about that.

But I am upset.

In fact I have not been able to shake off this depression. The reason? A sinking feeling that I will never have children. I have been given loads of advice on this subject matter. From losing weight to IVF to a makcik telling me that i'm doing it wrong..... After consulting with an ob-gyn, both MBB and I have been certified as normal.... So after 2 miscarriages, i wrote it off to health issues. But it has been a year and a half since the last miscarriage and i have yet to receive any good news from my tum tum......


At this point in time, I'm at a crossroad. I cannot decide if I just want to let it go and let time and fate decide if I'll ever have my bundle of joy or if I should be more aggresive in getting that bundle. I really do not know.

I went shopping last a few weeks back to get a baby gift for my cousin whose bundle will ETA on the 11th of February. While I was happy for them, only God knows how sad I was in my heart.

So lost, I am.

Under the Weather

I''m sick.

My nose cannot decide if it wants to run or get stuck. My throat is super scratchy. My fever runs up and down. It feels like a big glob of phlegm has taken up residence at the back of my throat and threatens to overthrow the control that the central nervous system has over my body.

I don't know what brought this on. Stress, long hours in school, my house that seems to be in a perpetual mess, my work that does not seem to end.... so many variables. I think i just need rest. Lots of it. I miss the hols. I miss staying at home and waking up late. When will the next break be?

I leave home before the sun rises and return home after the sun has set. But I'm in the AM session. I should be able to go home much earlier. The thing is, when you start marking after school ends, you tend to lose track of time. On top of that, there's much to do anyway. I miss my home.

Friday night I had dinner with friends. At NYDC. In town. That was the first time in a long, long while that I went to town. On a friday night no less. Great food, great company and juicy conversations made for a wonderful evening. It was a good dinner and my close proximity to Marks and Spencer made it all tooo exciting.


I miss the times when such dinners were more frequent occurences. But now, given the new year, new positions, new circumstances, I know such to-dos will be few and far in between. It sickens me though that the reason is so that people would not perceive us as giving and receiving preferential treatments. Why do people do that? Don't they realise that we are all adults who are able to behave professionally, most times? But I guess people do and that's just the way it is.

No matter what, tomorrow's the beginning of another week. Something happened on Friday. It saddens me how indifferent some people can be. It saddens me how nonchalant some people can be. I'm not sad lah. I'm livid! Some people are lucky I'm not the one who will be yelling at them.

Friday, January 20, 2006

When your head feels like exploding....

Sometimes I am a pushover . Like today, when a certain someone, let's call her.... Lupy, asked me to help her, ( read: DO IT FOR HER ) I thought, what the heck lah, might as well, if not Lupy will not stop bothering me. Never mind that I had mountains of marking. Never mind that I was in the middle of churning out the do-while-you-teach-the-unit worksheets. Never mind that Lupy had already finished her work. Never mind that it was ACTUALLY Lupy's responsibilty. I still did it anyway.

So I started. Lupy offered to sit with me and 'do it together'. Awww....how thoughtful? Bullshit!!! Lupy sat, while I tried to complete this task. It started out quite alright. I managed to figure out what it was that needed to be done and how the grid that I was to complete actually works. Then came the confusion. There were questions that needed answers. There were terms that needed explanations. There were issues that needed clarifying.

The more I asked, the more confused I became. Lupy did not seem to know anything. Lupy did not know how the grid works. Lupy did not know what the terms meant. Lupy just did not know!

There is a certain limit to the amount of stupidity I can take from one person in a lifetime and for Lupy, I've increased this limit by at least a 100 times.

But today, today I nearly lost it. I simply just could not get anything out of her. Today, Lupy, to me, was useless. Lupy could not tell me how much certain things cost, Lupy did not seem to have the paperwork from which she can refer to and provide me with the answers I so desperately needed. She could not decide what she needed to focus on so that her department would not screw up yet again. SHE COULD NOT.

The more lupy's mouth opened and yapped, the more my head throbbed. My shoulders and neck ached, breathing was difficult, I felt like crying and what was worse I felt like I wanted to punch her in the face.

Then I lost it. A bit.

With a slightly raised voice, I asked her how I was to complete my tasks for this department when I have a colleague who incessantly complains that her load is too heavy, another who thinks so damned bloody highly of himself but yet has done nothing for a major event that will be happening in a month's time ( who happens to be Lupy's fav ) yet another who is in hot soup as it is. Tya is leaving, which means I only have Zorro left to depend on. HOW TO COPE??


The response? SILENCE.

Reprieve came soon after when Lupy's offspring called to say he has arrived and in true Lupy style, she simply packed her bags, and said BYYEEEEEE..... I GO HOME FIRST.........

Sigh.

Lupy, I don't hate you, I really don't, but I want you to realise that you are incapable of leading. I want you to know that I know you have have said nasty things about me to people who were sitting near you. I want you to know that I know you don't speak up for me to let the world know the things I have done for you. I want you to know that you earn more than you deserve. I want you to know that I am crushed to find out that you do all these things. I want you to know that you are manipulative whether you know it or not. I want you to know that you have shortchanged me. I want you to know that a particular retired colleague left with a not so good impression of me, thanx to you. I want you to know that I have NO respect for you anymore and that makes me sad.Lupy, I want you to bow out now as I am really unsure if I can hide my glee, should you fall from grace.

With deep disappointment, I pledge to ignore you. With a lifted heart, I promise to do all I can for my department. By doing that, I will help my children. Anak kita, Anak bangsa.

May you, Lupy, enjoy the fruits of your labour.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Good Things.... I Like

There are just some things that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...

1. A warm mug of Lipton Tea in my hand while the rain is all heavy out.

2. Spontaneous hugs.

3. Diggoodigs.

4. When Mak calls asking me what I feel like eating.

5. The wind blowing through my window and blowing my hair all over the place....

What about you?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Daddy Dearest

Bak,

I miss you.

I miss having you around.

I miss having you to vent out all my frustrations on and still get a smile.

I miss having you listen objectively then offer suggestions on what I should do next.

I miss listening to your funny funny analogies on life and problems we go through.

I miss having you around so you can tell me that I'm doing ok taking care of Mak.

I miss having you around so you can tell me that it's not my rezeki yet to have children.

I miss having you around so you can stare daggers at people who say's I'm doing it wrong.

I miss having you holding my hand telling me it's ok as long I know I have tried my best.

I miss you. I really do.

I wish you were here.

What I would not give to have you here for just one more day, to look at your face, to hold your hand, to have you hug me.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, kau berkatilah roh ayahku. Kau lindungilah dia dari seksamu. Kau tempatkanlah dia di sisi orang -orang yang beriman. Amin.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

A Little Broken, I Am

I'm a little broken today.

Somewhere along the way in 05, I made some unforgivable errors. This has resulted in me having tea with my bosses but the absence of the tea was overwhelming. As a result of that, I was given a letter to warn me to not repeat anymore of such mistakes. I understand the need to shock me into seeing how necessary it is for me to NOT make them, hence the need for this letter of warning.

What happened today, I was not prepared for. Beacuse of the mistakes I made, I did not get some monetary rewards that I was somewhat expecting. Granted, no performance bonus, sure since i apparently did not perform. But when i got the news that i won't be getting any part of the plan today, it broke me a little. Sigh....

My immediate reaction was Bloody Hell! Who the hell do they think hey are to take my money away from me?!!! What right do they have?!! I need the money you know!!

Then I thought, aiyah , maybe i don't deserve that money since i didn't do my job well.

Then I also thought, somebody also never do their work well. But somebody got away with it. Somebody didn't do somebody's job, so my mistakes was not realised till it was too late. In fact I was doing this somebody's job... Maybe I was too stretched? But whatever it is I do acknowledge it was my error. I should have been more careful. But all this time I was working under a false sense of security of the vetting process. If somebody had done her job and vetted my work, wouldn't mistakes be discovered and necessary action taken?

Sigh... I dunno lah....

Then I thought again when I was given the warning letter, I was told that it would be kept in my confi file. Now, it's sent up to MOE. Why say one thing and do another? Teruk lah. I was so wanting that money to go for a short break. Macam taik betullah. If they had wanted to sent it up to MOE, then say lah jadi aku tak mengharap. Bodoh betul. Akulah yang bodoh. Too trusting. Sekarang, padan muka aku.

Dah lah, Enough is enough. This year, korang korang dalam Jabatan aku, pandai pandai lah do your own thing. Make sure you check and check and check and oh did I mention check your work? Because I don't want to help anymore. This year it's my big butt that I'm going to be quite busy covering. It's my work yang aku nak jaga this year. Apa nak jadi, jadilah.

Now, I want to go and cari my 'superglue' to fix me self. Where or where shall I go get my superglue?

Another thing, the cause of my being broken has made me broke. Ain't it funny?

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

WOOD's the word

This year, on September 1st, I will be married for 5 years. So I have decided to plan something a little extravagant for us. Any ideas anyone?

NY06

Today feels funny.To begin with,I was up at 5.15 am. Made my bed too. Had my shower and was ready and off to school by 6.25am. Dropped MBB@ the train station. Reached school while it was still dark.

Right now, I'm @ my workstation having my morning fix. So far so good. I am a bit anxious to get my day going but unfortunately,time table's suspended today. Will go for relief soon.

...................................

>>> Fast forward: 7.27pm

My day has ended. It felt a little weird leaving school before 6.25pm. The day went on quite uneventful. Had a few hiccups but I managed to smooth things over. Sometimes I wonder why is it that I have to do the fire fighting. Who am I? I should learn to function at my capacity but that would not be me. Had the following conversation with a colleague today.

" Why are you doing all this? You what? Not even a co-ordinator you know! You do also nobody know.... Don't waste your energy lah.... 1.30 already still don't want to go home?? Don't need to do all these lah.... Later your Subject Head leaves, you won't be asked to take over her lah..... Don't even dream it!!!!"

Ok. So it was more of a monologue with yours truly smiling like a baffoon. I mean, what a dampner. I'll have you know, dear colleague, that I don't do things to get a post or to rub shoulders with people downstairs.... I do it simply to ensure that things in my department are smooth and organised. Which most of the time lands me into predicaments where I do most things and nobody knows about it. But it does not matter to me lah... really.

I don't know. People will always be entitled to their own opinions. But not so good to hear such things so early in the year lah.

Well, this year as with previous years, I have a new resolution. Apart from the usual, I WILL LOSE WEIGHT thing, in 2006, I resolve to speak less, listen more and laugh at people..... heh... Tya says it' s not good to laugh as that will cause weight gain.... hmmm....

I have been feeling nauseous the whole day.... hmmm.....

Right now, waiting for MBB to come home with dinner. Feel like something soupy. Let's just see what he gets for me....