Friday, April 28, 2006

Goodbye To YOU

I'll remember the fun times. I'll remember the pouring out of souls. I'll remember all the good graces lavished sparingly. I'll remember all the harsh words. I'll remember all the blind accusations. I'll REMEMBER.

There is no action without repercussion.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Time Will Heal What Reasons Cannot

I made it out of the hospital. Let me tell you, the colour of the hospital, the uniform they make you wear actually makes you look sicker than you are. Might consider brightening up the place?

Anyway, I have been discharged. While I was in there, I was given wonderful service by the medical staff at KK. They were great. They were prompt, attentive, caring and not too evasive. The best bit about them is that they were not loud. Which I greatly appreciated. All in all, my stay there was very pleasant.

Thanx to Mak who stayed so late with me. We had a nice time talking away and making fun of Farah. Thanx to my baby sister who came again to keep me company. Thanx to my MIL and FIL who came despite the fact that they were not doing too well.

Thanx to my friends who took time off their busy, busy, busy schedule to come see me. Thanx to Alam's friends and colleagues who also came by. Thanx to Sheila for the gorgeous bouquet. You need not apologise profusely for not being able to come by. What with being in UK and all.... Silly girl. Thanx to Has for calling all the way from Georgia.

Having this episode in the hospital made me painfully aware of certain things. This realisation made me really, really sad. I have realised what it means to matter. I have realised what defines a relationship one human has with another. I have realised that even though you are so busy you can hardly breathe, you CAN make time..... if it really mattered to you. I have realised that I have been a fool. Don't you just hate it when you realise that you have been a fool?

What was I thinking? How could have not seen things that were right in front of my face? Maybe I did see them. Maybe obstinate me refused to believe that I didn't have that depth of a relationship with them. Maybe stupid me thought that all the accusations were jokes that will be laughed at over a cup of caramel macchiato. Maybe stupid stupid me just didn't get it that I'm not what falls into YOUR definition of a friend. Maybe silly me thought that YOU would check with me before accusing me. Maybe dumb*** me should just go slam my head against a wall for being so dumb!

On another note. What kind of a leader are YOU? Leaders should care for the people under their charge. Even if YOU think they are beneath you. Even if YOU think they are morally decayed. Even if YOU think they are so worthless as a fellow human. Just remember that we, that I, whether you like it or not, work. So when we get sick, when we are not well, YOU should bloody well show some concern. But seriously, I hope that when I come back to work, YOU don't ask me how I am because I know YOU don't care. I would very much rather YOU just shut up and be on your way. I'd rather YOU don't pollute the air by opening your mouth, thank you very much.

I think it's about time I grew up. Whatever happened or will happen, I will get over it because as Irni says, time will heal what reasons cannot.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Some Good, Some Not So Good

No, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth and I also regrettably announce that I'm still very much alive and kicking. ( Sheil, sorry to disappoint you!! ) I have just been very busy lately.

A lot has happened since the last entry. Some good, some not so good.

Not so good ( 1 )
Mak has TB. That just sucks. But I must say she's taking it pretty well. It's a good thing we caught it early, doc says. She's on meds now. Doc says if she takes the meds regularly and as prescribed, she'll be ok. The only sucky thing for her is that she'll have to dialyse at an isolated facility and not together with her dialysis kakis. Hang on in there Mak, it's only 2 weeks.

Not so good ( 2 )
I have to be away for a week from school. This I reckon will not be good as I do not know how my P will react to it. It will also be the week where my kiddies will be having their SA1 oral exams. If I'm gone, there'll only be 2 of my teachers testing the PM kids and there are MANY of them. Sigh. I feel so bad leaving them in the lurch like this. It'll also mean that I'll have a week less to do revision with my kiddies. Actually, at this moment I don't know what to do. Why do I have to go you ask? Now that will bring me to the next not so good thing.

Not so good ( 3 )
I had an ultrasound done and my gynae found that my womb lining is suspiciously thick. There were also some funny looking 'somethings' in my womb. So what she wants to do is a D&C procedure to scrape out the lining and have it tested at the lab. I had asked her if I could have it done in May after the SA1 is over but she says this needed to be done urgently. I'm really torn. The decision to go has, however been made up for me as I have, once again, started to bleed excessively again. I have to get this fixed.

So, to all my dear friends who WILL be visiting me in the hospital, I WANT FLOWERS.

Now, for the pieces of good news that really made my week.

Good ( 1 )
The Malay Dance in my school was awarded the GOLD medal in the recent SYF. From what I hear it was the p6 boys that captured the judges' eye and most of these boys are mine! I'm so, so the very proud of them. Congrats to Tya who has really worked hard on this, given the crappy assistant ( not Suharti! ) that was assigned to her.

Good ( 2 )
I PASSED my FTT. So happy, happy, happy I am!!!! And guess what? My practical test, will be on September 11th. I told my instructor that I might just crash into some building. Touch Wood!!!

So that's it. Things happen. We get so caught up in them that when the day ends, you just wonder where the hours have gone. Sigh.... Such is life...

So people, pray that I come out of the hospital still alive ok?

Monday, April 03, 2006

Enjoy The Silence

It has been a long long week. I'm physically, mentally and psychologically tired. There is just so much to do. It's my job, so it's my responsibility but there's just so much to do.

I miss my husband. He has had a longer more stressful week than me. I miss having him hold me till I fall asleep. I miss our pillow talk and bear hugs. I miss him.

I miss my mummy. I miss seeing her. I miss her cooking. I miss my baby sister. I miss our time out together.

I miss what could have been my baby.

But I don't miss this dull ache I have in my head, my body, my abdomen...... my heart.

I need a break. I just want to sleep it all away. All of it. The pain, the ache, the depression. Please God, please make it all go away.

I know that I will be ok.


I'm not alone in being busy at work. Most of my colleagues are busy too. Only some colleagues are fortunate enough to be able to finish their work and leave school by 2pm. To one particular colleague, I have this to say to you.

I understand that extra work given may be difficult for you to take but IT IS your job and responsibility. I'm sorry you were informed at the last minute but don't you realise that with an incompetent leader, we have always been asked to do last minute work?

I know you are probably pissed off at having to do this last minute work. But you don't have to do it from scratch. You are merely just adding on or changing around the existing piece of work, even if it ran the risk of the parents having seen it before. Even then, it was poorly done. I had to make changes to it.

I know you are concerned that your kids would have no help preparing. Do we look heartless to you? Whatever you had asked us to do, did you not realise that we had our commitments as well?

I know you are not well, but you were overbearing. You demanded things be done without realising we had things to do as well. You demanded things be done like we owed it to you to do. At one point, you insulted me even. How can you ask for help and insult me in the same space?

I'm not going to say anything to you about it. I'm not going to react to it. I'll just keep mum. My new reaction to anger.


Say hello to it.