And so it is that I have had mixed feelings about abandoning my blog. To close or not to close. Then I thought, if I did, I'd miss writing, surely... So, what the heck, let's give it another go, shall we? :O)
Since I had last dusted myself off, plenty of things have happened. Some good, some really really not, so good. The worst was, I had another miscarriage. I was 12 weeks pregnant. Saying that seems really strange to me. I have been pregnant but nothing to show for it really, other than plenty of pills attempting to soothe my pains. Can they? Really? Soothe my pains? The physical pain, it definitely does but other than that.... Time heals everything?
I have been thinking a lot lately about my life. About how it has come to be what it is today. I have been thinking a lot lately about my family. About how it has come to be what it is today. I have been thinking a lot lately about Alam and I. About how we have become what we are today. And what have I come to realize? That nothing we expect actually really happens. That nothing we plan really goes the way we do. That the only thing we know for sure is that LIFE is one hell of a ride and all we can do is enjoy it, with all it's ups and downs, all the while being there for the ones we love.
Which brings me to my next point.
I have grown up with the concept of unconditional love. Especially when you are a family. To me, as long as you are a part of a family, you'll always be loved, no matter what you did or did not do, no matter who you were and what you've become. I have learnt in the hardest of ways that this, isn't always the case. See what I mean about things not being the way we expect them to be?
I had expected that family are the only people that I'd be able to count on for ANYTHING. I had expected family to be there for me when I was down, just as I would for them. I had expected family to be happy for me, celebrating my successes, just I would with them. I had expected family to love me, just as I would, them. I certainly did not expect family to say the things they did. I did not expect family to behave the way they did and I sure as hell did not expect family to be the selfish, ignorant, heartless beings that they are. Sure, they may not be my biological family, but I had thought the ties that bound us would actually mean something.
I'm naive like that.
And so it is that I have decided that I will move on. I'm getting over not having kids. I'm getting over a crappy family. I'm getting over selfish, ignorant, heartless bastards whose words don't mean shit to me.